I looked around the table at seven pairs of wide eyes. Their mouths were hanging slightly open. Some of them stared at me, not daring to blink. Some of them nervously darted their eyes at each other, checking to see if anyone else was as shocked as they were. I started to panic. Should I not have said that? Am I not supposed to be honest about those kinds of things? Crap crap crap crap crap. Backtrack, Kristen. BACK TRACK.
I was new to the Bible study. New to the church. I had just decided to take a semester off of college and was about to break up with my boyfriend of two years. My parents had moved to a new state while I was away at school so I didn’t have any friends and desperately wanted to connect with people. I’d heard about a church close by, found out they had a Bible study for college students, and decided to join. I came in with all the arrogance of someone who had spent three semesters in a Christian college and absolutely none of the social skills.
On this particular night, we had been discussing a book we were reading together, Blue Like Jazz. Donald Miller was all the rage. He was talking about things most of us had never heard Christians talk about. His words lit something up in me. I felt seen in them for the first time in my life. When he said, “A person who thinks himself unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people...That is why God tells us so many times to love each other.” I felt like I understood myself for the first time.
Anyway, I said something way too honest that night. We were talking about going through hard things and I was really in the thick of it and felt a little too safe at that table and said, “Sometimes I wish God would just leave me alone.”
When everyone had collected themselves after a few seconds of silence, one of the girls sitting nearest to me whispered, “Kristen you can’t say things like that. What if he does?”
I think that was the first time I started asking the question, “Am I safe with Jesus?”
A lot of us grew up with a framework of faith and life with Christ that was fragile. We felt like it could break at any moment if we weren’t careful. Don’t say that. Don’t do that. Don’t go there. Don’t wear that. Watch out for that slippery slope. Careful how far you explore that thought. Make sure you do ____ if you’re gonna do _____.
Does Jesus need us to bumper guard our faith or is that just what makes us feel safe?
Are we allowed to be honest with God? Are we allowed to be honest with each other? How do we know where the line is so that we don’t go too far? What happens if we go too far? Is it safer to just stay as far away from that line as possible?
Can we be honest without being careful?
We’re uncomfortable with questions, with doubt, and with honesty. We have an anxious attachment to faith and to our Creator, convinced that he is ready and willing at any moment to toss us out of his presence forever, even though he’s made it really clear through his word that, “The Lord does not delay his promise, as some understand delay, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish but all to come to repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9) God’s word tells us over and over and over again that he’s patient, long-suffering, merciful, kind. Do we actually believe that?
Vulnerability is risky. It makes relationships feel fragile. What will people think of you if you admit, out loud, how you are feeling and what you are thinking? What will God do to you if you say something like,
“I’m weary” (Psalm 6:6)
“God, why are you so far way when I need you?” (Psalm 10:1)
“I’m anxious and in agony.” (Psalm 13:2)
“God isn’t answering me.” (Psalm 22:2)
“I’m alone and afflicted.” (Psalm 25:16)
God’s word is full of honest affliction. If the writers of the Bible knew that they were safe with their Creator, surely we can know we’re safe too!
We can trust that we aren’t hanging by a thread held by a God who is anxious to cut it and let us fall and break and die. Don’t we believe he is more kind and loving than that?
He promised to never leave us or abandon us (Deuteronomy 31:6).
Jesus modeled a spiritual and emotional honesty that we can imitate without fear of taking things “too far”. In his final days, even while knowing what he had to do and why, he begged God to change his mind. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me—nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” (Luke 22:42) In his last breaths, he asked God, “Why have you abandoned me?” (Matthew 27:46)
Vulnerability is risky. But taking the risk leads to deeper intimacy and understanding. It leads to a faith that isn’t fragile but deeply rooted.
I cannot tell you how often my dms fill up with messages from women and men who are distraught in their faith. They don’t know how to hold the tensions they’re feeling. They don’t know how to reconcile their theology with their experiences and vise versa. They’ve lost the framework of their faith. The formula they believed in doesn’t add up in anymore. They’re afraid to reach out. Afraid to be honest. And often with good reason. Sometimes honesty is a liability. People’s responses to our honest thoughts can often make us feel exposed and broken. We’re afraid we’ll feel that way in the presence of God too.
But that isn’t the character of God.
He is the God who sees our nakedness and covers us up. Even when we are wrong, we’re safe with him. When we hide, he finds us. He found Adam and Eve in the bushes. He found Moses in the basket. He found Jonah in the whale. He found David in the cave. He found Jesus in the garden.
You don’t have to rush through uncomfortable seasons.
You don’t have to panic when you aren’t sure what you believe.
You don’t have to worry that God will abandon you.
You don’t have to worry that he will stop loving you.
You don’t have to be insecure in your relationship with the living God.
You are safe.
You are so safe. **
**this is a heavily nuanced topic and the idea of “safety” with Christ has been debated in just about every theological circle imaginable. This specific email isn’t about the security of our Salvation, but of God’s acceptance of us in every good and difficult season of our lives.
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am I safe with Jesus?
Man this gets me. It is beautifully written and so very true. There are so many times in church I feel like I can't be honest with people about what I'm thinking/feeling towards God. Such a great reminder that we can be honest with God about it! Thank you for this series.
I was taught such conflicting messages about God...he is loving but will punish you immediately if you even think about doing anything wrong. He knows that you are going to sin because he knows everything but you will go to hell if you sin. He already knows who's going to hell and who's going to heaven but you can try to be very good and maybe he'll change his mind.
I left the church for a very long time but missed parts of it.
I've made my peace with God and found my own place to be in community and communication with God. Your writings are supporting me on my journey.
Thank you 💗