my god is conspiring for my good || unfettered

part 10

oh hey friends.

We have reached the final post in this unfettered series and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more fulfilled and excited about something I’ve put out into the world. I love it so much that I decided to compiled it and release it as a magazine style PDF - including all of the paid subscriber posts, direct links to the podcasts, and series artwork. You can take a sneak peek and purchase right here » Unfettered - The Ebook

Now let’s wrap this series up, baby!

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I learned a new word at the beginning of this year. I have a folder on Pinterest called “words I like” and sometimes I just save little graphics I see, poems, pieces of art, anything that has a word on it that looks interesting. In January, a strange little word found its way into that folder, into my head, into my whole life. 

Pronoia - the opposite of paranoia - the belief that the universe is conspiring for my good

Now- let’s be clear - both paranoia and pronoia are diagnosable mental illnesses. They are delusions. Pronoia is not necessarily the better “noia.”. However, the idea of this positive twist on my typically doomsday thought patterns was intriguing to me.

To continue to be clear and leave little room for confusion - I believe that God is intentional and that the forces that we can’t see are spiritual, not cosmic or some kind of random pattern of the universe. But I stuck that word in my hat and I thought about it. Wrestled with it. I held it up to the Story of God and His People and searched to see if there were similar ideas running through that narrative. (there are) Ultimately, I decided to try adapting this new way of thinking.

I thought to myself, what if I woke up everyday and reminded myself : “God is conspiring for my good and not my harm.” How would that change the way I view inconveniences, setbacks, hurt, pain, failure, disappointments? How would I move forward with my writing career? How would I build my marriage? How would this affect my mental health? And I can tell you, half a year into this new pattern of thinking, it’s changed everything. If I could point to a singular thing that has changed the outcome of my anxiety and depression the most this year - it’s probably this.

As you’ve probably gathered from the many other parts of this series, anxiety and depression have been pretty chronic companions in my life. Sometimes I think I was born with a sense of impending doom. Being positive is a spiritual discipline for me. I’ve never been in danger of adapting toxic positivity into my thinking because I quite literally cannot. I don’t believe that everything always works out. I think that the human existence is a conglomerate of pain and joy and there’s not much we can do to avoid either. Sometimes we will hurt. Sometimes we will not. Some people are given more pain than others in the same way some are born with privilege and some are not. Trying to trace the patterns and figure out why has driven me to near insanity. I have dealt most of life with a pattern recognition ability that makes it impossible for me to be surprised or impressed and has made tragedy a predictable outcome. At some points in my life, it’s made me desensitized. At other times, the gravity of it has made me immobile with grief, fear, and anxiety. Holding on to any shred of belief that God is good with all the pain I’ve experienced in my own life on top of what I’ve seen and recognized in the world, at some points, has been a practice in holding on for dear life.

I think the idea of God working in the unseen, plotting and planning and conspiring good things for us is a beautiful picture. Psalm 103:11 says that as high as the heavens are above and as low as the earth is below, that’s how great his love is for us. Romans 8:28 says that he works all things together for our good. James 1:17 says that every good gift comes from Him. Ephesians 3 says that we need supernatural power to even begin to understand his love for us. God’s love for us is unfathomable and we cannot exhaust it. His attention is on our good. Always.

I’ve lived enough life to know that what I consider good and what God considers good are not always perfectly aligned. Sometimes the good that is worked comes through pain. “Good” doesn’t mean easy. It doesn’t mean that we can follow a set formula to extract the good we want to inherit from God. Sometimes we can’t see the good that he’s worked in our lives until we look back with a fuller perspective and understanding. And there are some things we will never see or understand this side of the veil. Believing God is conspiring for your good isn’t about believing that you are exempt from the human experience.

It means that regardless of your circumstances, regardless of your pain, regardless of all the evidence stacked against it - you’re choosing to believe that God hasn’t abandoned you or betrayed you. You can look at whatever you’re facing and say,  “I know that God is conspiring for my good and not my harm.”

This little shift in my thinking has given me the confidence to embrace my life and to face the challenges of it with openness and courage. It annihilated the lie that God was out to get me and helped me see the truth of his love and grace and mercy in my life. He is conspiring for my good and not my harm. Even if harm comes, he’s conspiring for my good. No matter what happens, he is conspiring for my good. Not for any other reason other than that is how indescribably and unconditionally he loves me. I’m embracing that love with open arms and an embodied trust that I can’t really explain, but I hope this series has helped but skin and bones and breath on what healing has been for you.

I hope there’s a little something burning in your chest, tempting you to believe that all of this could be true for you too. Cause it can be.

Your theology might be wrong.
Your body is not your enemy.
Your childhood wounds don’t define you.
Your friendship is valuable.
Your mind is not broken.
Your peace is worth protecting.
Your existence is not a burden.
Your complexity is not an issue.
Your delight is not a sin.
Your God is conspiring for your good.

Believe it.