stories woven across the veil

how an email from a woman who lost her friend has undone me

When you write a book, you pour years of your life into it.

For me, the timeline of writing to publishing Even if He Doesn’t was a little over two years. But in some ways, it feels like it was seven years in the making. We wouldn’t have the book if I hadn’t had walked through spiritual trauma, gang violence, losing a baby, and a crisis pregnancy. Without all of that pain, I’m not sure I could have even breathed the words that became the title of the book. To some people, it’s just another book by another white Christian lady. To me, it’s an extension of the most intimate, personal parts of my life. It’s the story of my traumas and God’s goodness to me in the darkest places. And then I put it into the world and wait and hope that it mattered. That the soul searching, the parallel therapy sessions as I wrote, the emotionally exhausted naps, the shaking, the editing, the roller coaster of pouring your life into a book … was worth it. Even if it’s just a little bit.

But what does “worth it” even mean? Sales? Impact? How do you measure impact? Do publishers let you keep writing books based on impact if that doesn’t translate to sales? Is it ok to care about that? Is it worth it if the work only mattered to a few people?

These are the questions that have worn me out post release. It’s hard to know how to measure without a measuring stick and in the circles of Christian authorship that I’m in, there are ripples of guilt and shame for even caring about things like that. “Shouldn’t you just be satisfied in Christ?,” as one person said to me in a private message recently.

But anyway.

This week, I made a quick return to instagram to promote my companion workbook to Even if He Doesn’t and to relaunch my new website. Two things happened that left me truly speechless.

The first was an image that someone sent me via dm on instagram. I don’t have her permission to share the photo, but it was a picture of a tattoo on her forearm - a beautiful interpretation of my book cover with a skeletal hand holding a bundle of flowers. The words “Even if He Doesn’t” were elegantly written in script on the ribbon tying the flowers together. She sent it with a little note thanking me from writing the book and letting me know that at 56 years old, this was her very first tattoo.

It took my breath away.

since I can’t show you a photo of the tattoo, here’s the book cover for your imagination.

I don’t think for a second that my words are the only reason she decided to put ink on her arm forever, but to be a part of someone’s journey in that way is an honor. Humbling, to say the least. I quickly texted the photo to my editor at Tyndale and we spent all morning texting about how beautiful and powerful it is to be a part of someone’s story like that. I’m so grateful she shared that with me!

The second thing happened yesterday and I just need you to buckle up for this one because it’s quite emotional.

Last week, a woman emailed me to tell me she was trying to purchase my yet-to-be-released workbook and my website wouldn’t allow her. She must have tried to purchase right in the sweet spot of me transferring the old website to the new website. I hadn’t even told anyone about the workbook and she found it and sent me an email for some tech support. I emailed her back, we got her all set, and then she told me her story.

Last summer, her best friend had somehow received a pre-release copy of Even if He Doesn’t. She’s not sure how she got the book in her hands, but she said that the message of the book “brought a new depth of comfort to her soul as she was actively dying.” Her friend would often remind the people who loved her that she was safe whether she had to live in pain or whether she died. In her words, God could be trusted and she would be safe, because God is safe. Unfortunately, she lost her battle with this disease and passed away in the fall, months before my book was released.

With my new friends’s permission, I’d like her to tell the rest of this story in her own words. I’ve redacted a few private details from this email.

"Somehow" the book showed up in my Amazon feed a few weeks ago and the cover caught my eye. As I started reading, it sounded so familiar, but when I saw the 2024 publish date I knew I couldn't have read it any earlier. When certain phrases started popping up and I could hear her voice saying them, I realized the cover was so familiar was because she had already read or spoken of them to me! 

I still grieve her loss but now I have a deeper understanding of what she was trying to say to me because I've read the book! I understand better the comfort and confidence your words brought to her as she wrestled emotionally with her pending death. And I can still hear the joy in her voice as she more fully comprehended that she was safe with God no matter how death came. 

The vulnerability and obedience displayed in writing your own painful story led her to become more transparent and vulnerable as her body failed. I now hold not only her final words of encouragement to me but the source she derived them from, both of them coming from the Lord himself. I will share those messages as I continue walking out my own pains. 

Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for comforting my dear friend with the comfort you had received from God.  Be encouraged in your own struggles. God IS good. He can be trusted.  You are safe.

How beautiful it is, the way God weaves our stories together. The threads that connect us through suffering, through death, and even internet algorithms are sacred in all the same ways.

A dying woman read an early copy of a book on suffering and shared its words with her friends. Months after she passed away, one of those friends unintentionally purchased the same book. Touched by the realization that she was reading the same words that brought her friend comfort, she tried to purchase the workbook companion only to be blocked by an updating website, forcing her to reach out to the author for help. That author found the email that had been glitched to a random inbox because of the website transition and responded. And now here I am weaving all of you into the story that’s hers and theirs and mine and now ours.

Our lives are never linear experiences. We are woven together, overlapping and intersecting in ways we might not ever know. But a blanket doesn’t need to know it’s been knitted for it to serve its purpose.

We don’t always get to know the ways our lives have mattered. We don’t always get to see the threads that have connected because of the things that we’ve gone through. But I think we can rest comfortably knowing that our lives do matter. We won’t get to see all the ways it matters on this side of the veil, but we don’t need the evidence to know that they do.

I wrote a little bit in Even If about how we often feel the need to mine our stories for worth and purpose. If we can figure out what the purpose of our pain is, maybe it won’t hurt as much. Maybe it will have all been worth it.

But we can’t always know what purpose our pain has served and I don’t think we have to. We don’t need answers. We can move forward and heal and find joy, even if we’re never able to see the physical evidence of the worth of our lives.

We are the threads and we hold the threads and we’re all just stumbling over each other in beautiful, often painful, ways. We’re a tapestry, a chunky knitted blanket, the perfect sweater on a chilly day. And one day when we see the full creation that our lives have woven together, we’ll sigh and agree that “It is good.”

I hope this story has encouraged you and touched your heart. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same, knowing that my words have helped someone walk into the arms of Christ with peace. I’m honored and humbled and feel so strongly connected to the heart of our Father today.

He’s so good. And he cares about so much.

I hope you have a wonderful week and that you feel His presence close to you.

Lydia on a 1.5 mile hike this weekend. She did amazing.

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Don’t forget to sign up for the Even if He Doesn’t book club! Register for the club here. If you didn’t preorder Even if He Doesn’t (the actual book, not the workbook), your price of admission is the purchase of the companion workbook - available in either digital download or physical copy through the shop on my website.