this is not a vendetta

(a public note for my future nervous system)

oh hey friends.

I’ve started talking about my upcoming book and I’m already realizing how much my nervous system needs to prepare for the year ahead which will likely be full of misunderstandings, assumptions, and people filling in the blanks with stories that aren’t mine.

So this post is a little gift to my future nervous system. Something public and permanent I can point people to when someone asks, “but why did you write that book?” Because the truth is, the assumptions about what I’ll do with my writing and my motivations for writing itself have long preceded Growing up Saved.

Sometimes people just assume they know what motivates you. They decide who you are, what you’re angry about, and why you’re writing. Even if you know they’re wrong about you, it still hurts. But - part of that is on me.

I mean, I decided to write a book about growing up hating myself because of what my faith frameworks taught me to believeGod thought about me and shockingly, that’s not a super palatable book idea.

People assume that anyone who acknowledges that there was pain in their childhood must be on some kind of vendetta. They must be filled with hatred, anger, and bitterness - bent on making someone pay for their pain. There can’t be nuance and complexity in the human experience, so surely someone can’t write with nuance and complexity.

But that’s exactly what I did.

Growing up Saved is not a vendetta. It’s merciful and empathetic and points a finger at nobody. And that also bothers people because we’ve been conditioned to either whisper about our wounds, or scream them. The fact that I didn’t point a finger at anyone person or thing touches on a sensitivity that those who have been hurt in the church have felt silenced by - the idea that you have to protect people that have harmed you or comfort them through the consequences of their actions so they don’t feel bad about them.

But I didn’t do that.

I don’t believe it’s my responsibility to pretend that the things that harmed me didn’t. That isn’t healthy. But it’s also not healthy to weaponize your anger. Not because it might harm someone else (although I think that matters) but because it harms you. Anger is a healthy, good, and necessary part of the healing process. But when it becomes the story’s engine, it gets stuck there.

My anger doesn’t need a target.
It’s found its rest in Jesus and I’ve left it there.
I don’t have that anger at all anymore, really.
And I certainly didn’t stitch my book with it.

Anger doesn’t make for good reading, anyway. It binds you up. And although there might be some exceptions to the rule, writing while bound up isn’t as good as writing when you’re freed up.

That said, it’s difficult for me to have spent years working diligently to write with gentleness and empathy and being intentionally careful with my words and my story while also making sure to write what’s true and good without softening edges that need to be sharp. It’s a complicated craft and I believe I’ve done it well. (But I’m sure some of you will let me know if I haven’t! ha!)

But sometimes it doesn’t even matter how hard to you work to do something well. When people hear I’m writing a book about growing up in the church they assume I’ve written a hit piece, but I haven’t. I’ve written something much more courageous than that - something honest and hopeful. It’ll make people uncomfortable, but not because it’s mean. It’s just honest. And in case you still aren’t sure - I didn’t write it to help anyone destroy their faith but to show you that there’s a path to Jesus that isn’t riddled with signs that say, You don’t belong here.

Everything I write, I write as someone who still loves Jesus, still loves his bride, and still wrestles with what’s written down and what isn’t. I’ll always tell the truth, but I will never tell the truth with intent to harm.

How hypocritical it would be of me to talk about how kind and merciful God is while being graceless and cruel. You can accuse me of a lot of things. But I’ve never been disingenuous a day in my life. As you’ll read in my book, my brain doesn’t let me do that. ;)

I hope that Growing up Saved will find its audience and I hope that you’ll give the words some room to breathe. Loving God doesn’t have to mean losing yourself. I hope that’s what you’ll take away from it.

xo,
Kristen

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Throughout this process leading up to the release, I’ll be sharing more vulnerably behind the paywall of this blog because it’s just a safer place for me to share my thoughts and process with you. If you want to read those thoughts when they come, you can upgrade your subscription. ($5/mo always)

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pictured with an olive branch. so you know that I’m all about ✌️