This was so, so good. My marriage hasn't undergone this specific struggle but a similar one. And I will be reading this and mulling over it. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you.
Oh Kristen! Like always your words are going to speak the the hearts of so many. I’m currently walking this threshold with someone who is at her point of not being able to bear anymore and it’s so hard. It’s been a beautiful reminder though that Josh has offered such grace in all my changes and moments. That’s all we can do.
I appreciate this post because it helps me understand derstand my parents divorcing a bit better. My Dad
deconstructed, and maybe my Mom too. She stayed an Evangelical in the end. They are now divorcing. I think their spiritual and political beliefs were one of the only common things besides their farm business that they had in common. My Mom's threshold did not widen by a lot, and I think my Dad began to want my Mom to be someone she is not. I think he fell out of love with her. It has been a lot for me, a 39 year old woman to understand or even know how to interact with.
Thank you for sharing this! I'm not experiencing this exact situation but one where I came back to the Lord in a messy way after marriage and my husband still does not follow God. That obviously brings a host of completely different challenges...but just know, your words and vulnerability are encouraging those even in vastly different circumstances ❤️
The Ben Platt song you shared in your IG stories is one of my favorites. I’m the one changing in my marriage, so it was helpful to hear how scary it is for the other one (especially in ministry). I also (ennea 5 🙋🏻♀️) keep it all in my head until I come to a pretty solid conclusion. So he didn’t see the mountains of books and podcasts I sifted through to come to a conclusion. It’s been really rough to be honest; I could probably write a book 😅, but I don’t know the conclusion. Feel hope for the first time in years lately, especially in regard to the election, the first time we’ve voted the same in a long time.
Would absolutely join a Luke 10 community led by you and Zach.
Also, your points at the end are very helpful and actionable. Really appreciate how you’re able to shift through such big topics and end with something that feels possible. 🤍
I’m on the other side of this and it’s also difficult - my husband of 24 years had been struggling with faith silently for 2 years and sorting through his thoughts in his mind alone, not processing them aloud with me or any close friends. When he came to his own solid conclusion and finally shared it with me, it felt devastating that he would make such a huge shift in his beliefs without telling me along the way. It feels like I’m starting a race to understand him (without any training or notice) and he has a 2-year head start. I hope things with your partner are okay, but if the two of you are struggling with your faith decisions, I wonder if your partner felt blindsided like I did. …And if your partner handled it with grace, I’ll take any words of encouragement they have to offer, because I’m stuck in a place of numbness.
Yeah he didn’t handle it with grace so I could only tell you how I wish it were handled 😅 we’re in a way better place, but religion/theology is still a tricky topic.
I wish he would’ve approached it from a place of knowing that *I* had not changed even though my views on things had shifted. My character was the same, maybe stronger, and that’s what was driving my shifting theology.
I did try to include him in the beginning but he would push me to decide on one side while I was still gathering information. Or he’d see what books I was reading and go on “random” rants of everything bad about the topic/author. Usually devolved into emotional fights with character attacks so I stopped including him. I couldn’t stop digging and reading though. But I didn’t feel safe to bring anything up to him.
I also need a LOT of time and information to process so he’s actually moved a lot quicker and easier on some things than I did. So even though your husband started two years before you, maybe it won’t take you as long. And honestly, he could probably give you the cliff notes version if you’re interested.
The character qualities that you value in your husband are still there. I know it’s scary, it’s a different kind of scary to be the first one to start deconstructing but still scary. I could only think of the stories I’d been told of one spouse “losing the faith” and the other one divorcing them over it.
I can only speak for myself but my faith is stronger and deeper and there’s less fear about everything (Kristen’s Substack from yesterday mirrors much of my own feelings). I’m a much better person of faith because of it. I like how Tim with The New Evangelicals puts it that we grew up in the basement of Christianity and now we get to explore all these rooms and different stories. There’s so much light and cool stuff out there. I couldn’t stay in the basement of evangelicalism anymore and stay a Christian. Maybe a trust the process kind of thing. Easier said than done.
Sorry for the novel. I’m grateful for others’ perspectives. I’m finally realizing that how my husband reacted was most likely based in fear and have more grace and empathy toward that. It’s very valid.
Thank you for the thoughtful response Jamie. If you don’t mind sharing - on what general conclusion about God/faith did you land? My husband has landed on something between atheism and agnosticism, and that is a jump further than I can wrap my mind around at this point.
I know he is the same thoughtful, intelligent, generous, kind, and caring man at his core, so it’s especially confusing for me to think about the pessimistic world-view that is replacing the optimism with which he used to approach most things. I cope by focusing on my belief that God loves him even more than I do, and trusting that is enough.
I honestly haven’t landed anywhere specific yet, still exploring. However I did have to have a time where I didn’t believe anything and was mostly agnostic even if I didn’t tell anyone. Mostly, if God was who I was taught, then I couldn’t believe and honestly I don’t believe in the IFB God. Now that I know there’s more options I’m open to discovering God.
Atheists and agnostics are a caricature in the us vs them in evangelicalism (think God’s Not Dead movie). Kind of like when people believe the caricature of “the left” given by Fox News and then I show up and tell my husband I definitely didn’t vote red and it took him a while to separate who fox said I was and who I really was.
It’s hard. I’m not sure he’d be open to it because maybe he’s already explored it, but I appreciated open relational theology (Thomas Oord) and universal reconciliation (Grace Saves All is a good start) during my agnostic time. It’s the only version of God I could conceive, whether it’s where I stay who knows.
So interesting! My marriage is 7 years in and I appreciate you sharing about the shifts in your marriage and how you’ve showed each other the love of Christ through all of it.
This was so, so good. My marriage hasn't undergone this specific struggle but a similar one. And I will be reading this and mulling over it. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you.
You’re so welcome!
Oh Kristen! Like always your words are going to speak the the hearts of so many. I’m currently walking this threshold with someone who is at her point of not being able to bear anymore and it’s so hard. It’s been a beautiful reminder though that Josh has offered such grace in all my changes and moments. That’s all we can do.
Your list of actions is helpful🖤
It’s so complex and specific, but I do help this helps in some way!
I appreciate this post because it helps me understand derstand my parents divorcing a bit better. My Dad
deconstructed, and maybe my Mom too. She stayed an Evangelical in the end. They are now divorcing. I think their spiritual and political beliefs were one of the only common things besides their farm business that they had in common. My Mom's threshold did not widen by a lot, and I think my Dad began to want my Mom to be someone she is not. I think he fell out of love with her. It has been a lot for me, a 39 year old woman to understand or even know how to interact with.
I love your voice thank you for doing this.
Love you!!!!!!! Glad you are still around and I love hearing you.
Thank you for sharing this! I'm not experiencing this exact situation but one where I came back to the Lord in a messy way after marriage and my husband still does not follow God. That obviously brings a host of completely different challenges...but just know, your words and vulnerability are encouraging those even in vastly different circumstances ❤️
Sooo soo good! Thank you for this!
The Ben Platt song you shared in your IG stories is one of my favorites. I’m the one changing in my marriage, so it was helpful to hear how scary it is for the other one (especially in ministry). I also (ennea 5 🙋🏻♀️) keep it all in my head until I come to a pretty solid conclusion. So he didn’t see the mountains of books and podcasts I sifted through to come to a conclusion. It’s been really rough to be honest; I could probably write a book 😅, but I don’t know the conclusion. Feel hope for the first time in years lately, especially in regard to the election, the first time we’ve voted the same in a long time.
Would absolutely join a Luke 10 community led by you and Zach.
Also, your points at the end are very helpful and actionable. Really appreciate how you’re able to shift through such big topics and end with something that feels possible. 🤍
I’m on the other side of this and it’s also difficult - my husband of 24 years had been struggling with faith silently for 2 years and sorting through his thoughts in his mind alone, not processing them aloud with me or any close friends. When he came to his own solid conclusion and finally shared it with me, it felt devastating that he would make such a huge shift in his beliefs without telling me along the way. It feels like I’m starting a race to understand him (without any training or notice) and he has a 2-year head start. I hope things with your partner are okay, but if the two of you are struggling with your faith decisions, I wonder if your partner felt blindsided like I did. …And if your partner handled it with grace, I’ll take any words of encouragement they have to offer, because I’m stuck in a place of numbness.
Yeah he didn’t handle it with grace so I could only tell you how I wish it were handled 😅 we’re in a way better place, but religion/theology is still a tricky topic.
I wish he would’ve approached it from a place of knowing that *I* had not changed even though my views on things had shifted. My character was the same, maybe stronger, and that’s what was driving my shifting theology.
I did try to include him in the beginning but he would push me to decide on one side while I was still gathering information. Or he’d see what books I was reading and go on “random” rants of everything bad about the topic/author. Usually devolved into emotional fights with character attacks so I stopped including him. I couldn’t stop digging and reading though. But I didn’t feel safe to bring anything up to him.
I also need a LOT of time and information to process so he’s actually moved a lot quicker and easier on some things than I did. So even though your husband started two years before you, maybe it won’t take you as long. And honestly, he could probably give you the cliff notes version if you’re interested.
The character qualities that you value in your husband are still there. I know it’s scary, it’s a different kind of scary to be the first one to start deconstructing but still scary. I could only think of the stories I’d been told of one spouse “losing the faith” and the other one divorcing them over it.
I can only speak for myself but my faith is stronger and deeper and there’s less fear about everything (Kristen’s Substack from yesterday mirrors much of my own feelings). I’m a much better person of faith because of it. I like how Tim with The New Evangelicals puts it that we grew up in the basement of Christianity and now we get to explore all these rooms and different stories. There’s so much light and cool stuff out there. I couldn’t stay in the basement of evangelicalism anymore and stay a Christian. Maybe a trust the process kind of thing. Easier said than done.
Sorry for the novel. I’m grateful for others’ perspectives. I’m finally realizing that how my husband reacted was most likely based in fear and have more grace and empathy toward that. It’s very valid.
Grace to you 🤍
Thank you for the thoughtful response Jamie. If you don’t mind sharing - on what general conclusion about God/faith did you land? My husband has landed on something between atheism and agnosticism, and that is a jump further than I can wrap my mind around at this point.
I know he is the same thoughtful, intelligent, generous, kind, and caring man at his core, so it’s especially confusing for me to think about the pessimistic world-view that is replacing the optimism with which he used to approach most things. I cope by focusing on my belief that God loves him even more than I do, and trusting that is enough.
I honestly haven’t landed anywhere specific yet, still exploring. However I did have to have a time where I didn’t believe anything and was mostly agnostic even if I didn’t tell anyone. Mostly, if God was who I was taught, then I couldn’t believe and honestly I don’t believe in the IFB God. Now that I know there’s more options I’m open to discovering God.
Atheists and agnostics are a caricature in the us vs them in evangelicalism (think God’s Not Dead movie). Kind of like when people believe the caricature of “the left” given by Fox News and then I show up and tell my husband I definitely didn’t vote red and it took him a while to separate who fox said I was and who I really was.
It’s hard. I’m not sure he’d be open to it because maybe he’s already explored it, but I appreciated open relational theology (Thomas Oord) and universal reconciliation (Grace Saves All is a good start) during my agnostic time. It’s the only version of God I could conceive, whether it’s where I stay who knows.
Thank you for sharing.
So interesting! My marriage is 7 years in and I appreciate you sharing about the shifts in your marriage and how you’ve showed each other the love of Christ through all of it.
I love this sooo much.