I didn't know I could do that

so maybe I can do this too.

Oh hey friends.

At the end of this week, I’m going to post on instagram that I’m taking an extended social media leave of absence. As you’ve have probably read, we’re in a really difficult season with our twins. Their needs are currently dominating our lives in a way I didn’t know was possible. I know this won’t last forever, but it’s happening right now and they need a parent who can be with them full time, all day, without distractions.

Here’s our reality -

+ we live in one of the highest cost of living states (MA) with 5 children
+ neither one of us make enough to live on either one of our single incomes
+ I’m writing another book this year (that I’m SO excited to write!!)
+ our lives have become unmanageable at their current state

All of that means that both Zach and I have to work in order to provide for our children, but our children’s current needs require that one of us scale our work back to focus solely on them. Zach and I have always made decisions based on what’s practical, what we believe Jesus is leading us to do, and what the healthiest choice for both our family and for us as individuals is.

We both, regrettably, agreed that it makes the most sense for me to stop spreading myself so thin and focus on just a few things : my next manuscript, our daughters, and this substack.

Social media has been my primary mode of connection and promotion for my writing for over a decade now, but the pressure and demands that it has on my life and career are too much. I can’t continue to create content for my feed, for my stories, for my substack, promote my book, write lengthy captions, create quirky reels, and play all these algorithm games while also caring for my daughters and their needs, writing another book, and taking care of my family and home.

In the last year, I’ve been working more than full time hours as a writer for barely part-time pay. And now I really have no choice but to shift gears. I have dreams and ambitions and the energy and excitement to go after them, but my house needs my attention right now and so, social media is going all but bye-bye.

I’m sad and I’m scared. I can’t sell books that I don’t promote and social media is the only way I’ve been able to sell Even if He Doesn’t and get the word out about it. I’ve put in over two years of my heart, mind, and body into that book and it’s been 100% through social media. I still have yet to earn out my advance and I won’t see a penny of all of that hard work until I do. I don’t get paid for my next book until I hand it in next year. What am I going to do for work? How are we going to pay our bills if I’m not creating new things? How are we going to get through this summer? I don’t know.

But I know that I have to choose what’s right for my family and I do truly believe that God meets our needs, always, even when the situation looks impossible.

This morning, we sat in front of the TV and watched the 25 minute episode of Bluey. I won’t tell you any spoilers, but we did all sit there and sob like the crazy people we are being emotionally invested in a cartoon family. But it made me remember the day we moved out of our home - the one that the church that broke our hearts built for us. Everyone else was in the van and the moving truck and I sat on the floor of our empty bedroom, in our empty home, wrapped my arms around my knees and cried like a little girl. I was scared and heartbroken. All I could think about was what was being ripped away from us. All I could see was what we were losing because I couldn’t see the future. I couldn’t have possibly known all that we were about to gain. It was one of the most painful moments of my life, but now I look back with gratitude that we left it all behind.

The life we have now is so much better than we could have ever imagined. There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not grateful to be where we are instead of where I thought I wanted to be.

And that’s what’s keeping me hopeful and optimistic in this current (likely temporary) place I find myself in. This is right now, it’s not forever, and I have absolutely no idea what good and beautiful things will enter my life by letting this other thing go. I’m grieving the loss of what I thought I would have and be by now. What I hoped my book would be. What I hoped my career would be. What I thought this year would look like and what it would produce. Things have changed. And I have to.

Last night, Zach and I celebrated our 17th engagement anniversary but painting portraits of each other. It’s a trend on tiktok and in most of the videos, at least one person in the couple does a hilariously horrible job capturing their lover’s likeness on canvas. I thought for sure it would be me who would fail and I was all in to make that sacrifice. Ha! I’ve never drawn anything other than stick figures and doodle flowers. I’ve never painted anything (other than a paint-by-number I never finished.) I’ve never even tried to copy someone’s painting. I’m just not creative in that way and never have been.

But, I don’t know, when I sat in front of the canvas last night, I had a vision of what I wanted to paint and then I just .. did it. I laughed the whole time and kept apologizing to Zach and warning him not to get his hopes up for the big reveal. But then as I was finishing up the little details, I sat back and said, “huh. I painted something…. and it’s not bad.”

When I flipped the canvas around to show Zach, he grabbed his chest and said, “I am SHOOKETH.”, because he knows more than anyone that I can’t even draw a discernible Baby Shark! I didn’t know I could do that. But I did that.

no, it’s not perfect, but it’s not horrible, right?

All day today, Zach and I have been talking about how strange it is. It’s truly blown our minds. It’s like I accessed some part of my brain that I’ve never had access to before. I could probably write a whole series about my theories on trauma, deconstruction, and how healing your mind and shifting the way that you think about some things can open up entirely new pathways for creativity and joy. Maybe I will.

But the question stands — how did I paint something when I’ve never held a paintbrush to an empty canvas before? How did I make it look somewhat like Zach when I’ve never drawn a face before? How did I create shadows? Highlights? I don’t know. I just did.

Maybe we’re actually capable of things we’ve never tried before.

If I can paint something that I’m proud of without any skills or knowledge, maybe I can write without a social media platform to promote it.

Maybe I can still do what God has created and gifted me to do outside of the control of the apps that I’ve been reliant on for my entire writing career.

Maybe it’ll be better.

I don’t know. But I know that I’m walking into this new stage of life and writing with open arms, excitement, and energy. I’m surrendering to the season my family is in while also anticipating the good that will come from this.

I have things to say and a book to write and for the next however many months, that writing will be focused here. This is where I’ve always wanted to be, anyway. So. Here we go. New season. New words. New method and process of getting those words into the world.

If I haven’t told you lately, I’m really glad you’re here.

---

other places to connect :

- registration to travel to Ireland with me is open and there are only three early bird tickets left. We have a group chat in discord for anyone curious about the trip right here and you can read all the trip details and put down a deposit right here.

- there’s a paid tier to this substack where I write a bit more freely and vulnerably (also a safe place for us to chat privately). It’s $5/mo or $50 for the year.

- keep an eye on my website towards the end of this week for something new to accompany your Even if He Doesn’t reading. 👀