my body is not my enemy || unfettered

part 2

Oh hey friends.

We have arrived at part two of 10 of the unfettered series. I’m walking you through the 10 main things I’ve done in the last few years to heal my body, mind, and soul. This week, we’re talking about how I came to the agreement that my body is not my enemy.

Last year, on the heels of bringing home the girls from the nicu and buying a house and doing several months of pretty intense therapy, we took our kids to the same playground we’ve been taking them since they were toddlers. Over the last few years, I’ve sat out while the kids played. Sometimes I’d sit in the car, sometimes on a bench, sometimes on a bench and then I’d move to the car. I’d always hope I would enjoy myself, but I’d quickly get tired, overstimulated, overwhelmed, and grumpy. I’d want to leave and I’d get impatient quickly. And then I would feel ashamed and guilty which would turn into more grumpiness and unpleasantness from me. But this day last year, things felt different.

I had started taking supplements consistently about four weeks earlier. I decided on the supplements after months of sitting at my computer googling things like,  “what helps hormones for women over age 35?” and “best supplements for ADHD.” I didn’t know that I had ADHD (I’ll talk more about my diagnosis later!), but I had all the signs, and they’d become increasingly more intense in the year after the trauma of our twins’ pregnancy and births. I read as many pubmed articles and medical journals about ADHD in women as I could get my eyes on. I researched side effects and the correct dosage for my age and weight. I layered in my other medical issues - PCOS, fatty liver disease, depression, anxiety, PTSD. Finally, I landed on a regimen I felt cautiously optimistic about and I started taking them consistently, for the first time in my life.¹

A month later, when we were sitting at the playground, I realized I felt … silly. I jumped up and played tag with my kids. I ran around a baseball field. I laughed, I goofed around, I was relaxed and having fun. My brain felt like it was buzzing. I sat down next to Zach and said, “Is this what serotonin feels like? I feel like I’m high.” I couldn’t believe that I was capable of feeling like that. It was even harder to believe that people were walking around like that, just like, naturally. I felt like a different person. Everything has been different for me since then.

When I knew what my body was capable of, I started treating it better. Up until then, I viewed by body as a hindrance. My weight fluctuated and kept me from feeling beautiful. My mind betrayed me and kept me from being free. I felt imprisoned. I didn’t know there was anything more that I could do, that I hadn’t already done, to feel better because I’d stopped believing that there was a better. I’d already switched to toxin free everything almost a decade ago. I’d done cleanses and re-sets. I was on beta-blockers for a year. I did essential oils and switched to organic, whole food diets. Everything helped to a certain point. I’d get excited, thinking I’d found the thing, only to get stuck in the cycle of defeat again. Changes would stick and then they’d unstick and I’d feel like it was just my lot in life to be broken. I don’t remember ever believing that I could be free.

But that day at the playground, out of breath from playing with my kids outside for the first time in probably years, I decided I didn’t want this change to fade. I had to take this moment as a running start towards being different and living different and being an active participant in my life. I knew taking supplements wasn’t going to be the cure. I needed to build on that and keep moving forward. I decided to not follow trends or movements or to take advice from strangers on the internet, however convincing and well intending they might have been. I stopped looking for a quick fix and a final solution and instead, just looked for the next step. I chose to learn about my body and its specific needs. I only took advice from nutritionists and doctors and well tested methods. I moved the goal post. I knew that my mental health would fluctuate, as would my physical health, but I decided that I would be kind to my body, no matter what.

In the winter, that meant eating foods that made me happy, even if it made me gain weight. It meant moving my body less and resting it more. As things started to warm up a little bit, I decided to move my body every day, no matter what. So I woke up early, before everyone else, and did pilates and rode my exercise bike. I started eating protein every morning, even though I don’t typically eat anything until lunchtime. I stopped putting creamer in my coffee. I limited my sugar intake and upped my protein intake. I started walking for 45 minutes multiple times a week. I went to bed on purpose more often than I fell asleep scrolling my phone or watching a show. I stopped avoiding my mind and welcomed my thoughts, however anxious and scary they might have been. I bought clothes that fit my body instead of trying to fit my body into my clothes. 

Mostly, I stopped viewing my body as my enemy.

When I ended the animosity between my body and I, the way I looked at my body changed. The way I talked about it changed. They way I responded to comments about my body or advice on what I should do with it changed. As my mindset shifted, so did my shame. My body is good. My body is a gift. My body will hopefully be good to me longer if I’m good to it now. I nourish it, I move it, I am thankful for it, I am kind to it.

That doesn’t mean that I never struggle with my body image. I said to my friend this week, “Sometimes I see my weight gain and I think that I’m still beautiful. Sometimes I see it and I want to set the fat on fire.” Healing is a spectrum. And especially with things like body image, we aren’t always going to feel fully confident. Our bodies grow and shrink and stretch and change and it’s not always a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes it’s just a thing. And sometimes we feel ok with that thing and sometimes we don’t.

For me, choosing to think differently and treat my body well, regardless of how I’m feeling about it in the moment, is a spiritual discipline. I have to actively choose to view myself as an image bearer — a reflection of the good and kind Creator who made me. When I honor my body, I honor his image in me.

I try to remember every day to pray, ‘Thank you for my body. Thank you for health and the freedom I have to move, to dance, to run, and play. My body is good because you made it.” Caring for our physical bodies is an act of worship. Sometimes, I think my theology (and maybe yours too) gives me this default of thinking my body is trash and that it doesn’t matter because we get a new one after we die anyway. But then I remember that when Jesus was resurrected, he was still in human form. He still had a body. A different one, sure, but still a body. Our bodies are not a nuisance. They are a gift. 

God created us as humans on purpose. Our bodies were made with intention and celestial design. So maybe, if we treat them like the divine creations they are, we’ll be able to live closer to how we were intended to live. Not as broken creations, holding our breath until Jesus returns, but as holy temples, carrying the essence of Christ, living in abundance and joy until we are reconciled to him and in his presence forever.

this is my body that is good and dances with friends (or FOR friends who are sitting and laughing at me)

this is my body that is good and holds my children

this is my body that is good and hugs my friends

this is my body that is good and dances and sings on its feet for hours.

this is my body that is good and gave all it had to carry my kids and cost me a few teeth and has needed a lot of repair.

this is my body that is good and is tattooed.

this is my body that is sometimes big and sometimes small and sometimes strong and sometimes weak and sometimes none of those things and it is always good.

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I made this phone background for you. two more will be coming in next week’s email for paid subscribers, along with a paid subscriber only podcast : Is Self Love a Sin?

Jump the the paid tier if you want to listen 👇🏼

1. Because these supplements are so hyper specific to my needs, I don’t feel comfortable sharing what they are or how much I take nor do I want to communicate that supplements are the answer for everything for everyone. They’re just the thing that kicked things off for me!