my existence is not a burden || unfettered

part 7

oh hey friends.

This part of the unfettered series is a little harder for me to write about because it’s something that I’m still actively fighting through. No matter how far I progress in my healing, there are still days when I feel like I’m a burden to everyone around me. If I’m not actively staying on top of all the things I need to stay on top of to be well (which can be burdensome in itself), my mental health can take a quick plummet. Even when I am staying on top of everything, I can have bad days and it’s on those days that I start to believe that I’m a burden. I convince myself that Zach would be happier if he was with a super chill girl who can easily regulate her emotions and never has mood swings and lives her life saying “whatever” because nothing bothers her because she’s just so chill. She probably has tattoo sleeves and cool piercings and is healthily attached and is always smiling and nothing bothers her and she’s never dramatic and Zach can breathe and he never has to worry that she’s going to be sad or angry or anxious and throw off his whole day.

This woman haunts me. She doesn’t exist, but she kind of does. In theory.

Whenever I talk about my struggles with mental health and how Zach has participated in my care and healing, the response is usually akin to if he stopped a school bus full of children from careening off a cliff with only his bravery and bare hands. He’s the hero. What a great guy. What strength he has to endure my struggles.

And yea. Kind of, I guess. But that response just validates my deepest fear - that the only reason we’re able to endure my mental health struggles is because Zach is a hero. The unhealthy version of me isn’t worthy of love and respect and care and when I receive that love and respect and care, it’s a surprise — a benevolent gift from a guy who’s doing what he doesn’t have to do because he is just so brave and loving.

Sometimes, it’s hard for me to believe that my existence isn’t a burden. But I know that my life depends on it.

I don’t have a lot of words to share on this today because I wanted to talk about this with Zach and share that conversation with you. So, on Friday, I’ll be posting another podcast episode with Zach where we have a pretty raw conversation about navigating the dynamics of having a partner who isn’t always mentally well. It’s one of the most vulnerable topics to discuss and one that I still feel a lot of insecurity and fear about, but I hope that it gives you a little insight, a little hope, and the freedom to take a deep breath and know that if you’re navigating these kinds of things too - you aren’t the only one.

See you on Friday!

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