the detox.
Oh hey friends.
It’s day three away off social media and I can confidently say that getting out of the cycle of dopamine is a lot like weaning off pain medication. I remember the first time I realized I liked percocets1 a little too much. When I’d get excited at the slightest nudge of a headache and pop one, I knew I was flirting with fire. For a while, I was so scared of addiction that when I had to a procedure that required morphine, I stopped the drip and just held on to my nurse and Zach and yelled. There’s something about not having my wits about me that freaks me right out and I’m realizing that social media has had the same kind of affect on me.
I don’t know if I’ve told you this yet, but a few months ago, my functional med doctor told me that I’m missing the catecholamine2 gene. That’s the genes that processes stress and he told me that essentially, I lack the ability to process adrenaline which leave me dopamine deficient. They’re finding that a lot of women who have ADHD are missing this gene expression. It’s a pretty important gene for stress responses and if you don’t have it, you just stay in flight or fight. So what that means for me is that I stay on edge and I lack the ability to naturally produce dopamine in my body. I have to mine for it.
Social media is a real easy dopamine mine. So I’m detoxing from that lack of immediate input. I’m doubling my supplement intake, buying mulch and flowers even though I’ve never made a flower bed in my life, and rage cleaning but there’s no rage really. Just passion. Passion for the dopamine of “done.”
You don’t realize how much of your life has social media in the background until it’s not in the background anymore. I’ve taken breaks before, but this one feels a bit more serious because it feels like there’s a lot more at stake.
Writing the words that God has put in my mind and heart and body to write feel too sacred to risk convoluting with my personal, biological need for dopamine. It’s all consuming and makes me feel so pulled in so many directions when the only direction I want my words to be is whatever direction is from God’s heart to yours.
I read
’s You Don’t Have to Quit Instagram post a few days after I announced on here that I’d be quitting and ultimately, my goal is to have that kind of relationship with social media. She really nails the struggle that writers have with the platform. I just have yet to find my way through my thoughts, attachments, and need for dopamine from it! But someday. Maybe. Fingers crossed in a realistic way.Anyway.
As I’m sitting here writing this email to you, I looked down at my phone and saw a text. “Left something on the front steps for you.”
Not to be dramatic but ——
If you grew up charismatic, you know how you’d just be minding your business and someone would come up to you and say, “God gave me a word for you.” and then they’d say things they have no business knowing but made you feel like God was paying really specific attention to you?
A box of gluten free treats dropped off with no expectations, with a “for mom only” disclaimer is as close as I’ve got to that in a while.
Almost shook the dust off my tambourine.3
It was the come-down I needed after being on a emotional ride of feeling sad about something » wanting to react » feeling the need to find some dopamine but fighting the urge to get on social media to do that. All the laundry got done instead. And I inhaled a GF little cupcake the size of my face like it was gonna get up and run away.
It was another one of those ebenezer moments that I talked about in Even if He Doesn’t. Where it’s so simple and insignificant comparatively4, but in the moment feels monumental. Like a little nod from both the people God has placed in your life and from God himself.
For me, it communicated a simple truth - even if I’m feeling unseen, I’m not. And not just in a “Oh God always sees us” consolation prize kind of way, but in a hands and feet on the earth human-to-human kind of way. Like when my son was on a ride with his camp counselor and he got scared and yelled, “GOD IS WITH ME!!” She took his hand in hers and said, “I’m with you too.”
I hope you find yourself feeling seen and held this week.
This week I’m :
+ recovering from my trip to Kansas City. Before I left instagram, I shared about peeing myself while I ran through Atlanta airport to catch my connecting flight. Here’s the outfit shortly before it became the pee-pee fit and the accompanying panicked texted to my friend, Kasey. Also did you know the girls call these “flare leggings” and not “yoga pants"!?! Don’t embarrass yourself, millennials. flare leggings. (These are my second fave amazon brand, Sunzel. Very buttery.)
+ chatting ireland in the discord chat. There are still two early bird tickets left! Trip info is here. And for those who have asked, yes! there are payment options. Hope you can join! We’re in the discord today talking about coffee options around our hotel because that is #1 priority, obviously. Here’s the chat link if you want to hop in (for anyone who is curious, you don’t have to be committed to join) : ireland chat.
+ listening to TTPD — as if that needs to be stated. I have thoughts about this album. thoughts for miles. Including some critical ones, but it doesn’t seems like anyone is actually critiquing the album? Just praising it, which I think is a disappointing thing to do with an artist. Art is subjective and when it stops being subjective (i.e. everyone praising every line) I think it’s disrespectful to both art and artist. Art isn’t supposed to be consumable by everyone. I’m actually confused by the lack of journalistic integrity in some of the articles I’ve read. Especially since I was a fan during the Taylor snake hate train of 2016 and 2017. Wild to see how the media has changed its tune about her. Pun intended. But on that note - Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me is my top track right now. Can’t stop listening. Too relatable. Can’t talk about it yet.
+ putting the final touches on a resource for your Even if He Doesn’t reading. I had hoped to have this done sooner, but .. such is life. If you’ve been waiting to read it because you feel like you need to take some time to process it as you go - I’ve created something specifically for that purpose that you can use on your own or in a group. More details soon!
+enjoying my pink magnolia before it withers and goes green. Can someone invent a tree that stays pink all year? pretty please?
That’s all for today, friends.
If I hadn’t said it lately, I’m really glad you’re here.
let’s keep track of all of the words I had to spellcheck on google. had this one wrong.
ok but to be fair who could spell that off the top of their head? but here’s some info on it - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507716/
it’s like I wasn’t even raised pentecostal.
I’m gonna blame the cupcake sugar rush.
I took IG and FB off my phone for the entirety of Advent because I was just using it so much. Now I delete it off my phone every night and don't put it back on until the afternoon. Some days I download it sooner than others. Most of the time I just want to just get rid of it entirely. I want an old fashioned flip phone for phone calls and to use my laptop when I need to do something online. I miss the simplicity. My only downfall is that I read books on my phone. I need to break out my Kindle again and use that for reading and save everything else for the laputer. It's amazing how much more time I have for things when my phone is down 🤣
Dare I ask about your supplements? Do they help with the need to mine for D? Any thoughts on a healthier approach to mining online. I'm sensing the answer lies in your cleaning and gardening. 😉 Thanks so much for sharing. I've been trying to learn as much as I can about ADHD because I think I have it. So much resonates. I grieve because I want my brain to be better. I hate how hard simple things are. . . But this is what I and so many of my loved ones have been dealt. Some struggle with worse things.