when we talk at

some thoughts on passive aggression

I remember the first time I got a google alert that someone had “@ mentioned” me in their blog. I excitedly clicked the link in my email and saw that the post was written by a licensed therapist and she had written a full length blog post about my “clear mental health issues.”¹ I was … shocked. I reacted by unleashing my blog readers and family and friends to her comment section and I do regret that, ok?? The people that ride for me ride hard and I knowingly weaponized that.

She was bold enough to tag me and I was unhinged enough to attack her for the audacity.

This was ten years ago and now these kinds of things are bit more … subtle.

I also remember the first time I was scrolling instagram and saw a post that I was pretty sure was about me. This person had quoted me, alluded to my life circumstances, and then preceded to rip me apart. I looked at her comment section, because I hate myself sometimes, and all of the comments were also ripping me apart. Some of the people commenting were names and faces I was familiar with. Long time followers, personal friends. I thought, how do they not realize she’s talking about me?

It was like walking into a house to hang out with your friends and hearing them all trash talking you in the other room. It felt awful. So I did what any good, rational person would do …

I wrote a post about her and didn’t tag her but I knew she would know I had seen what she said, and she would know that I knew she was talking about me, and she would also know that I was taking the “high road” by concealing her identity while still responding to her unprovoked attack.

I didn’t like the way that felt. I was too old to be responding to passive aggressive behavior with passive aggressive behavior. So I decided not to ever do that again.²

I think passive aggression is the most toxic community sin. It’s cowardly, immature, and does nothing but harm other people while protecting you from feeling responsibility for that harm. You have plausible deniability : “Oh I didn’t mean it that way!” or “No, no, no! I wasn’t talking about you!” And what can you do when someone denies that they were talking about you, or that they actually meant something else, even if all the evidence is there? You can’t. You just lose trust and slowly the relationship withers away.

It’s a hard habit to break. It’s one of the most challenging behaviors to change, both individually and in community, because it’s tricky. It requires both perception and willingness to see the truth in ourselves. Maybe even more challenging, is the willingness to speak truth outwardly to other people.

Sometimes Christians can get on a “speak truth in love” high horse and really all it ends up being is an excuse to act spiritually superior. What people tend to conveniently omit from their interpretation of that passage of Scripture that they weaponize so ruthlessly is that the point of speaking truth to each other is to build a healthier, safer, community that reflects the character of Christ.

But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into him who is the head—Christ. From him the whole body, fitted and knit together by every supporting ligament, promotes the growth of the body for building itself up in love by the proper working of each individual part.- Ephesians 4:15-16

You don’t have to be a jerk. And you don’t have to be passive aggressive. You can just - be direct. In the past year, I’ve felt deeply convicted about my own passive aggression and also my lack of response to behavior directed towards me. So I started being direct with people and as a chronic conflict avoider - this has been akin to that dental procedure I just had where the anesthesia wore off. (aka not fun)

But I’ve done it and not because I wanted an argument or to make anyone feel embarrassed, but because I think it only further harms community and relationships when you ignore the harm that choosing to be passive aggressive causes. And it will always cause harm, even if your intentions are noble.

Words matter. The way we use our words matter. It divides community and destroys our ability to trust and be vulnerable with each other.

Our lack of community and our inability (or refusal) to mature our emotional lives has created a culture of people who talk at each other instead of with each other.

The only thing that changes a cultural behavior is if enough people opt out. My experience has been a painfully challenging spiritual practice in continuing to opt out and to confront it - not for the sake of conflict (lord knows I hate conflict) but for clarity, community, and reconciliation, if that needs to take place.

Now. All that said. Let me offer a different side to this. Over the years of my internet life, I’ve had people do some absolutely unhinged things to me because of something I wrote on the internet. Sometimes they were right, I was talking about them, even though I tried to change details so no one else would know, I knew they’d probably figure it out and I didn’t really care.³ But sometimes, I wasn’t talking about them and they still did call-the-cops worthy things and I don’t condone that. Just to be clear.

So - if you feel like you need to (or are convicted to) confront passive aggression, here are some words you can borrow from me :

“hey, I saw/heard/read what you said. The story that I’m telling myself is that you were referring to me. I hope that’s not the case, but I just want you to know if it is, I’m fully open to talking about it with you if you need clarity or just want to talk it out. I care about you and would hate if there was any bad blood between us.”

“What you just said sounds a little passive aggressive. Have I done something to upset you or frustrate you? It’s difficult for me when people aren’t direct with me. Can you please explain to me what you meant by that?” ⁴

“I could be wrong, but it seems like you aren’t saying exactly what you mean. Can you clarify what you’re trying to communicate?”

Edit as you see fit.

We complain a lot about our lack of community and how hard it is to have friends and that’s all true because being a human is hard work and existing with other humans is harder work. But one of the ways we make community and friendship work is by creating a relational environment that eradicates the need for passive aggression.

And how do we do that?

We eradicate the need for passive aggressive behavior by being honest, being a safe person for people to be honest with, being vulnerable, setting your ego aside, refusing to weaponize your feelings or your power, and by confronting for the sake of preserving community, not destroying it.

Christianity is nothing if not relational and we burn each other out with our individualism and our self preservation. Stewarding your life well means also stewarding relationships well and if you’re tossing people on the altar of your self preservation, you are actively harming the bride of Christ.

Resolve to be a person who talks with people and not at people.

If you’ve been a little passy aggressy (and we all have!), I’d like to offer you just a *little* nudge in an uncomfortable direction.

Tell the truth.
Apologize when needed.

I won’t give you a script for that, but I’ll say this : You know if you’ve said one thing and meant another. You know if you’ve lied about who or what you meant. You know. And those lies, those little deceptions of the heart and mind will for sure burn your relational bridges but more than that, they will fracture you. In ways you can’t even imagine. And it’ll cost you more than you think.

People only have a tolerance for so much and they always have the choice to distance themselves from harmful behavior. But you’ll live with the harm you’ve caused every day and that harm causes the most damage to you.

Ask me how I know.
Hi, Queen of Self Inflicted Guilt and Shame here.
From one to the other - it kills you.

Let’s talk with each other, even if it’s the worst, most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever done. It’s better. It’ll be over before you know it. And then you’ll breathe a little deeper.

Passive aggression is still aggressive.
Clarity is always kind.
Asking and confronting shows that you care.

The way we build better community is by being better community. This is just one small (but maybe actually monumental) way to do that.

Hope you have a really great week, friends.

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1. what she perceived as mental health issues was just some really bad theology, but ya know … tomatOH/tomAHto.

2. I think that I’ve done a pretty good job at this, but there have been times when I’ve felt like I needed to address something without calling attention to a specific person. 9 times out of 10 this was because the other person had a larger platform and I was afraid of the backlash and social exclusion if I gave away too many identifiers. I also regret doing this kind of stuff. I think they cause more confusion than anything else and comes down to ego. A post for another day, maybe.

3. again, we regret this behavior. sort of. sometimes. i don’t think you need to censor your life just because it might make other people uncomfortable, but make sure those people don’t have a history of violence before you talk about them, mmmk?

4. a note for the neurodivergent/PTSD/anxiety girlies, we have a particularly difficult time understanding intention in people’s and can overthink a lot. I’ve had to learn to set my ego aside and be willing to be embarrassed just for the sake of clarity. There is nothing wrong with asking someone to be more direct with you if you need it to have peace. They don’t owe it to you, but you are not wrong or silly to ask.